only the good die young

We got a little kitty for Christmas. The sweetest, most beautiful probably-Siamese kitten in the world. She came in a glitter box with a glitter bow. My sisters had begged for months. They'd written letters pleading with my dad who swore we'd never have another cat. My sister even tried to bargain by not giving my dad anymore hugs, but offering a hug every single day that we had the cat. It worked. And it was all perfect. We were utterly shocked, and I became a five year old as soon as they took the lid off of her box. She was the most beautiful and the most perfect. She'd come from a dumpster, through a shelter. She was lightly dyed red and green. She was adorable, sweet, regal, and fierce. She was going to be a beauty when she was grown up. We argued over names like Christmas, Elsa, Winter, and Tundra, before settling hesitantly on December. We all anxiously awaited our turn to hold her. She was unusually cuddly for a kitten. She was funny and playful at first, but by that evening she was a little too mellow. The next day she was lethargic. She became listless. My mom decided to take her to the vet the following day. But by midnight we were packing her in a cat carrier and rushing to the pet emergency room. On the way, my sweet husband gave her a blessing. That was when her name really became December. And I was immensely grateful for a husband who not only offers blessings, but will even give one to a cat. He said that maybe she would recover completely and live a happy life with us, or, if something else was meant to be, then she had come into our lives for a good reason and had been blessed to be in an abundantly loving home before she passed away. I felt peaceful. I was sure she'd be fine. She seemed to be moving more as we reached the urgent care. She'd be fine. They took her vitals then the vet came in and brusquely told us that our tiny kitty was trying to die. She had feline distemper and the best thing we could do was to put her down. Her poor legs were jerking and her breathing was labored. She was gone before the vet had time to prepare the shot.

They wrapped her tiny body in a towel and we went home. The whole way there I'd been begging God to please spare her sweet, tiny life. I've never experienced the loss of someone I've been close to. Not really. So I was surprised by how awful it was that little Deci was gone. I'd just been thinking about how pretty she'd be when she grew up. And how she'd climb into our laps when we were reading. And how the girls would be enchanted by her always. And how my dad would forever call her Dumb Cat and we'd jump to her defense. And now her little body was just extinguished. It was very strange, but that forlorn drive home was the first time I think I've felt "hope in the Atonement." It's not that I've never used it, or needed it, or thought about, or understood a small semblance of it, but that was the first time I've felt what they always seem to be referring to. I didn't even know I'd never felt it until I did. I thought about our pretty kitty, and how even though she'd been suffering, she was fine now. I wanted God to tell her that we loved her so much, but I guess now she already knows. I thought about how she'd had days of endless cuddles and attention. More love than a kitten can probably take in. I was thinking about how she wasn't going to be around for now, but I hoped that I would see her again soon. And I will! She'll be there. This kitten that was so small and insignificant and who I'd only known for two days had left, and left me in a lot of pain. It's so silly, but it's not. I was thinking about how this happens to some people, but it's a child they lose, or a spouse. I cannot comprehend that kind of loss. When I think about it, I feel that if Eythan died, I wouldn't even be that sad. Only because I cannot possibly fathom what that would be like. My brain totally rejects the thought. I thought about people who lose a tiny, sweet baby instead of a tiny, sweet kitty. That baby won't get to be around just now, either, and that is endlessly heartbreaking. Everyone's going to deal with loss and pain, and it's going to twist and tear your heart into something unrecognizable. You're going to miss what you've lost and wish you didn't have to, and wonder why it had to be like that. But even when your heart in the vice, there's the hope of the Atonement. That baby or that partner or friend or baby kitty won't get to be around for a while, but when you're dealing with them leaving you'll be hoping for the day that everything is restored. Your heart will be so mangled. But it'll stitch itself back together into something stronger. You give that new heart to the Lord and someday everything will be made right. That's what I was thinking about. The Atonement doesn't mean that sweet kitty will come back or that it won't hurt that she's gone, but it means that I can hope for the day when we get to see her again. Everything will be restored. Everything will come back. All that sadness will be behind us and we will all be reunited. Everything, everyone, we've lost will be restored unto us and everything that was hard or that was unfair will be made right. I know it's the silliest experience to talk about in conjunction with something so grand, but I'm hoping for the day when my little brothers and sisters and I (and my mom and Eythan) get to see baby Deci again. I'm glad that someone fished her out of a dumpster, and that she spent her short time with us instead of in a cold cage at the animal shelter. You made us so happy and I hope you liked being here as much as we liked having you. We'll be missing you. Till we meet again, tiny kitty.

i wish i knew more synonyms for weird. (skip to the end for the really weird part) (like it is really strange)

Isn't blogging weird? Sometimes I see people saying sorry for going a month without posting something and I"m like, why are you apologizing for this? I would say everyone who even double taps one of my instagram photos is doing me a big favor by validating my life. (just kidding about that, but it does make me bashful/grateful.) I've never kept up a blog because what am I going to write about? I do not have a hilariously comical anecdote to share that often. Maybe if I had kids I would have more to talk about. Wait. Hmmm...... Where's Eythan....?

HAHA just kidding, don't get your hopes up, having babies is gross.

But actually, everytime I see a link to a blog on facebook, I click that shiz right away. Whether it's one of the newlywed blogs (which are always called something like Young and In Love, Two Beating Hearts, or SoulMates 4Eva) or an opinionated rant, or an outrageous happening in life of someone I barely know, I'M THERE. It's just like way interesting to get a tiny glimpse into how someone else lives and/or thinks. I have no idea why I find it so dang entertaining. Maybe for the same reason people watch reality TV, and that reason is that deep down we are all creepily voyeuristic. It's weirdly fascinating to get that much insight into someone else without giving them anything in return. You don't have to hang out and talk about what's going on in their life, you don't have to provide any feedback, you just read what they're sharing with the world while you're bored in class. (as long as your screen is facing away from the teacher.)

Speaking of blogs that are fascinating. Oh crap, should I write about this? Probably not. Well there was this girl, who dated Eythan, and I've been weirdly hung up/obsessed with how weird it is that someone was really close to my HUSBAND and his family for that little while. I dated people seriously before, so I should get it, but I don't and it weirds me out. Plus I "accidentally" "stumbled" across her blog and how bizarre is it to read something someone wrote while they were in love with your love? I curse my morbid curiosity.

The thing is. Her blog wasn't like ranting or recipes or anything, more just like her thoughts I think. And you know? She seems pretty quirky and cool and interesting. But there were pictures. And one picture was of a huge box of letters she'd gotten from him while he was in Romania. Isn't that weird? Isn't it weird that I'm jealous of things that happened while I was completely out of the picture? Plus I'm just saying, we stayed with his family over Thanksgiving, and we found a piece of her mail on the counter. Because she used to live there. (It was while he was on his mission and for perfectly good reasons, but seriously.) How freaking, flipping, ferociously weird is it that I go with my husband to stay in a house where his ex-girlfriend used to live with his family? It freaks the flipping heck out of my mind. Probably you don't understand because you have never been in that situation. (Seriously. Hopefully you have never been in that situation, because does that EVEN HAPPEN?) It's weird weird weird, that's the moral; don't move in with your arm candy's family. Because you will leave on a mission six months before he gets back from his (which is actually something that I thought was brave and I admire) because your relationship will wind down, and then I will contact your arm candy because I still think he is cute, and then I will date and eventually marry your former arm candy, making him mine. We will be very happy, and I predict that you will find a new arm candy when you get back, that is even better for you than the other arm candy, but I will feel uncomfortable every time I think about how freaking, flipping weird it was that you once lived in room we made out in over Thanksgiving.






(but i win because now i live with him.ha)

ten things to know about me:

One. TRAILERS ARE THE BEST PART OF THE MOVIE. I love them. Also movies. Also TV. Media in general. 

Two. When my visiting teachers get here I will undoubtedly apologize that the apartment is "such a mess" even though I've spent the last half hour picking it up. 

Three. I flip people off when I'm driving all the time. It's just how I deal. 

Four. I love makeup. I love nail polish. I'm obsessed. I can't walk by those aisles in the store without stopping for at least a second. They aren't a necessity but they sure are fun. It's like dress up and I get to play any time I want. 

Five. I'm not shy. I'm think I'm pretty confident! But I guess I must be deeply introverted, because sometimes I just can't make myself be social, even if I'd kind of like to. It's not even the quirkyadorable kind of socially awkward/anti-social, it's just embarrassing. 

Six. Possibly related to the above, I am a terrible friend. I love my best friends a million times over, but three are out on missions and I haven't written any of them once. (One has been gone for nine months.) So.... that's something that needs to be worked on if I want my best friends club to say intact. But just saying it's hard when you no longer live one bedroom away! 

Seven. I lied in number two when I said I'd been cleaning for a half hour. It actually took way longer than that because it was THAT messy. (Hey, we've been busy. And sick. Lay off.)

Eight. If I'm watching something alone and it gets too intense, I have to pause it until I can handle it. (Sometimes I just can't deal with the Walking Dead. Like right this very second OH MY GOSH CARL WHAT HAVE YOU DONE.)

Nine. I'm really excited to be a teacher and everything (for real) but when my kids are grown up and I have time for me, I want to cut movie trailers. 

Ten. Cuddling is my favorite hobby of all time. OF ALL TIME. 

*bonus* Everyone probably already knows this but I had a major crush on Eythan in high school and he was my first kiss in a tree at seventeen. And now we're married. boo yah. (<<ps that is something I would never say in real life but it just felt right.)